Sunday, 19 April 2009

I don't know what to do anymore

Well, have had a huge three weeks. Was contemplating suicide very seriously the past month. I even have a new plan on how to do it so that it doesn't hurt and I will just sleep peacefully, never to have to worry about this world and its troubles ever again.

See, I have had so many arguments and fights with my 'partner' that I am nearer to ending everything than ever before. I have all ways thought of dying, and been strangely comforted by the fact that I can stop all this pain and hurt when ever I like, when ever I have had too much, I can end it all; I have that power, we all hold this power in our hands. It is very powerful to have this kind of 'out'. We all have it, though to my surprise people don't seem to think about it as much as I thought they did.

My thoughts have been occupied with the thought of dying since I can remember, as a child, and adult. I thought it was normal to think about death and dying, but I have learned that people just don't. Is there something wrong with me? Or is there something wrong with them? Who knows, or is it just the individual, and what is best for them?

So, I have a plan, I nearly put it into action last night, only I had to walk for over two-three hours to get to my destination to start my work and it was very late at night. I had it all in my head, what I was going to do. I was going to get home, get the things to do what i needed, put music on, write a sorry letter, and then lay back and close my eyes and drift off to the music. My friends brother went this way. He knew what he was doing. He was smart.

As you can tell, I am still here, but not sure what for. I have been blamed for every fight, I have been told I am not trying hard enough to get a job, I have been told that I am taking my 'partner' for granted, and don't respect what he does for me. I have been told i don't do enough, I take over things, and I am a liar.

You may even ask why someone would want to be with me if they think all this. I don't know why someone would. Maybe this is why I have so much trouble believing he actually cares, because he is all ways putting me down, and not saying anything positive about me. He does when he is reminded that I need some positive reinforcement. But otherwise, I have to keep telling myself how well I am doing to keep myself going. This is the problem, I can't tell myself how great I am doing, when I have a 'partner' telling me just how well I'm NOT doing.

I try and try to do the right thing by him, and to calm him when he gets angry, but it does not work. We both do mean things, don't get me wrong. Its just that to him I am the one starting it all. Even when he was the one who spoke rudely, snapped, or gave me a dirty look, he says it is my fault he did this in the first place.

I honestly am going crazy, believing I am at fault for everything. I question myself constantly, I can't speak freely anymore, can't express how I feel without him getting angry. I feel like all communication has broken down, and that he believes it's my fault, and he wants me to fix me to stop it all.

I don't know what to do anymore.